A while ago, my wife’s English PhD friends decided to run a D&D game based on Spencer’s The Faerie Queene, an Elizabethan epic poem that I’d never read.

I’m game for any D&D going, so I agreed to play. I didn’t want to be behind everyone else on understanding the setting, so I read the first book.

I’d heard that The Faerie Queene is long: it’s one of the longest poems ever. And it was written in the 1500s, AND Spenser was being deliberately archaic, so it’s sometimes hard to read.

Those are some of the reasons I never read it. Now here are some reasons you should read it: It’s super metal. You could use it to illustrate an entire 1980’s worth of heavy metal album covers. And it’s super D&D. It reads a little like Spenser was putting the adventures of his 1590’s D&D game into pentameter and dedicating it to Queen Elizabeth.

Here are 5 metal scenes you could steal for your D&D game. I’ve only pillaged Book 1.

The youthfull knight could not for ought be staide,
But forth unto the darksome hole he went,
And looked in: his glistring armor made
A litle glooming light, much like a shade,
By which he saw the ugly monster plaine,
Halfe like a serpent horribly displaide,
But th’other halfe did womans shape retaine,
Most lothsom, filthie, foule, and full of vile disdaine.
And as she lay upon the durtie ground,
Her huge long taile her den all overspred,
Yet was in knots and many boughtes upwound,
Pointed with mortall sting. Of her there bred
A thousand yong ones, which she dayly fed,
Sucking upon her poisnous dugs, each one
Of sundry shapes, yet all ill favored:
Soone as that uncouth light upon them shone,
Into her mouth they crept, and suddain all were gone.

This is maybe too metal for D&D! Not every group is ready for all the horrible little monsters drinking poison from the snake-woman’s breasts, and then the monsters scuttle into her mouth.

And next to him malicious Envie rode,
Upon a ravenous wolfe, and still did chaw
Betweene his cankred teeth a venemous tode,
That all the poison ran about his chaw;
…
All in a kirtle of discolourd say
He clothed was, ypainted full of eyes;
And in his bosome secretly there lay
An hatefull Snake, the which his taile uptyes
In many folds, and mortall sting implyes.
Still as he rode, he gnasht his teeth, to see
Those heapes of gold with griple Covetyse;
And grudged at the great felicitie
Of proud Lucifera, and his owne companie.

Each of the seven deadly sins are warlords in the army of Spencer’s Big Bad Evil Guy. My favorite is Envy. He rides a wolf, and chews a poison toad! Like most of the poem, it’s all transparent allegory, but if it’s read literally, it’s awesome.

The most metal detail? The BBEG that the seven evil warlords serve is named Lucifera.

Then tooke that Squire an horne of bugle small.
Which hong adowne his side in twisted gold
And tassels gay. Wyde wonders over all
Of that same hornes great vertues weren told,
Which had approved bene in uses manifold.
Was never wight that heard that shrilling sownd,
But trembling feare did feel in every vaine;
Three miles it might be easie heard around,
And Ecchoes three answerd it selfe againe:
No false enchauntment, nor deceiptfull traine,
Might once abide the terror of that blast,
But presently was voide and wholly vaine:
No gate so strong, no locke so firme and fast,
But with that percing noise flew open quite, or brast.

This is a pretty good magic item! When it’s blown, this horn has the following effects:
1) Cause Fear
2) Dispel Magic
3) Knock

Plus it has a range of three miles!

But ere he could his armour on him dight,
Or get his shield, his monstrous enimy
With sturdie steps came stalking in his sight,
An hideous Geant, horrible and hye,
That with his tallnesse seemd to threat the skye,
The ground eke groned under him for dreed;
His living like saw never living eye,
Ne durst behold: his stature did exceed
The hight of three the tallest sonnes of mortall seed.

…his stalking steps are stayde
Upon a snaggy Oke, which he had torne
Out of his mothers bowelles, and it made
His mortall mace, wherewith his foeman he dismayde.

…The Geaunt strooke so maynly mercilesse,
That could have overthrowne a stony towre,
And were not heavenly grace, that did him blesse,
He had beene pouldred all, as thin as flowre:
But he was wary of that deadly stowre,
And lightly lept from underneath the blow:
Yet so exceeding was the villeins powre,
That with the wind it did him overthrow,
And all his sences stound, that still he lay full low.

I love this fight against a giant. The giant is, like, 18 feet tall. That’s a serious giant: the same size as a cloud giant, according to the SRD. I like that he tore up an oak to be “his mortall mace”.

The giant strikes hard enough that, if he’d hit, he would have beat his opponent as thin as flour. That matches my group’s gory descriptions of critical overkills, which frequently turn goblins into thin red pastes or red mists, and makes me think that Spenser would fit in at my game table.

Finally: The giant’s attack knocks ther hero prone, and stuns him, ON A MISS? Killer DM!

There all within full rich arrayd he found,
With royall arras and resplendent gold.
And did with store of every thing abound,
That greatest Princes presence might behold.
But all the floore (too filthy to be told)
With bloud of guiltlesse babes, and innocents trew,
Which there were slaine, as sheepe out of the fold,
Defiled was, that dreadfull was to vew,
And sacred ashes over it was strowed new.

This is a great description of an evil castle. It’s a super civilized palace, all decorated with gold and art and beautiful tapestries, but the floors are just swimming with blood and gore, all the time. This is a really creepy location.

For my kickstarter, I put together a 64-page, edition-neutral book of adventures, rules, idea germs, settings, races, and high-level options from my home campaign. I’ve turned it into a lulu book, which you can buy for $9.95.

I’ve featured a couple of pages from this book before. Here’s a page from the book:
Rules for picaresque games

And here’s another excerpt I haven’t shown before:

THE FAIRY LAND’S DECAYING TREASURES

The feywild is a land of hyper-adventure, and you should be able to describe fairy-tale treasures, like trees that grow rubies as fruit, a beach covered with emeralds, or a coach carved from a single diamond. Problem is, for some crazy reason, DMs never want the PCs to get their hands on so much cash all at once.
Forget that impulse. You can’t be stingy in the realms of wonder. ALWAYS GIVE OUT TEN TIMES THE USUAL TREASURE IN THE FEYWILD.

Feywild gems and jewels are different from natural-world treasure. When you return home with your basket of fey riches, you may find that your pearls have turned to eggs, sapphires to cupfuls of water, diamonds to ice, rubies to rose petals, and emeralds to leaves. If you’re lucky, you may find a scattering of real gems in the bottom of your basket.

When any piece of Feywild riches is first exposed to the natural world’s sun, or touched to iron, roll a d10. On a 10, the treasure keeps its form. Otherwise, it turns to some natural, worthless object. Roll individually for each major object; for collections, assume 10% of the items survived. Once a fey treasure has survived once, it is forever a permanent, real treasure.

Magic items are immune to this effect. But you could consider giving fairie-made weapons and armor a higher enhancement bonus that’s only active in the Feywild. Once exposed to natural-world sunlight, +2 fey weapons become +1 sunrusted weapons.

In fairyland, there is no way to distinguish the “real” from the “false” treasure. The fey realm is made up of so much fantasy and glamor that the distinction is considered meaningless. Many fey treasures are enchanted by fairy craftsmen who think that flowers and leaves are as good origins for beautiful gems as dirty dwarven mines. Therefore, raw materials, like gold and gems, are more common and less valuable in the Feywild. Treasures are valued for the skill and beauty with which they are carved or engraved. Coins are rare: jewelry and luxury items are more often exchanged.

The nature of a precious item’s creator can often be determined by the ingredients used to make it: a good fey creature might create gold coins from dandelions, and an evil one might use living poisonous beetles.
Because the feywild is so rich, its rare money transactions are conducted at prices inflated by 10x. The most common forms of fairy currency, though, are favors and promises.

For Fourth Edition players, here’s a ritual that lets the PCs create fabulous fey treasures:

RITUAL: FEY CREATION
Level 5.
The caster makes an arcana check: a result of 15 means that the caster can create nonmagical gems, jewelry, or precious metal objects of up to 10 GP in value. For every 5 points by which the caster’s check exceeds the DC, multiply the maximum GP value by 10. Thus, an arcana check of 35 means that the
caster can create up to 100,000 GP in value.

The ingredients for the ritual include natural objects to represent each item to be created (a bushel of pebbles to become silver pieces, a giant fey buttercup to become a golden goblet).

Special materials, like mithral, cannot be created with this spell. Items created with this spell cannot be turned into magic items. The casting cost for the ritual is arcane ingredients worth 1/10 of the value of the items to be created. This ritual may only be cast in the feywild.

Netflix On Demand is carrying the 60’s horror show Dark Shadows. I’ve never seen it, but I have a vague memory of hearing that it was an influence on Gygax and Arnesen, so I decided to watch a little bit and see if I could detect any D&D flavor.

I watched one episode, and already the D&D influence is clear. It’s about a shady guy whose research leads him to believe there’s valuable jewelry buried in a tomb in a crypt. He gathers together some tools and enters the dungeon setting.

(spoilers ahead)

He finds himself in a room with some sealed stone coffins. He can’t open them with his crowbar, so he rigs up a rope and pulley, running the rope through a ring on a coffin lid and a ring set in the wall. When he pulls the rope, the coffin lid still doesn’t budge — but the tug on the ring on the wall opens up — wouldn’t you know it — a secret door to a hidden chamber.

Inside the chamber is another coffin. This one is wrapped with chains. The graverobber, who is suffering from a dangerous case of genre blindness, decides that the chains on the coffin somehow indicate that this coffin contains treasure. He pulls off the chains and opens the coffin. What’s in the coffin isn’t clear, but whatever it is, it strangles him.

This episode provides a perfectly usable D&D encounter. If the rings in the room are described, the PCs will probably pull the wall ring — either as part of a pulley system, as in the episode, or just under the general principle that anything described by the DM should be pushed, pulled, or hit.

The chains around the outside of the coffin add a spooky touch, and provide a hint that whatever’s in the coffin may be a tough encounter.

Rather than populating the coffin with a regular old strangling monster, as in the episode, I think I’d fill it with a puzzle/environment monster in the tradition of D&D puddings or yellow molds. I’d have a cloud of fog billow out, flowing across the floor and expanding in every direction 10 or 20 feet per turn. All the crypt’s dead would rise as skeletons as soon as they were touched by the fog. The PCs would either have to fight an ever-increasing army of skeletons or flee in front of the fog. Perhaps the original occupant of the coffin would be a ghost who had concealment while in the fog and could, as its move, teleport into any fog-covered area.